Wednesday, 2 July 2025

A Manifesto

Great Things About Being A Gay Man

  • You are ALWAYS ready for your close-up.
  • You know, by heart, every line in:
  • All about Eve
  • The Rocky Horror Picture Show
  • Your face
  • You understand the difference between 43 brands of imported vodka.
  • You can call anyone "Honey", including pets.
  • You understand the immense importance of good lighting.
  • You can be at a crowded disco the size of two football fields and still spot a toupee.
  • You can tell a woman you love her bathing suit, and mean her bathing suit.
  • You can explain the nuances between steady date, boyfriend and lover.
  • You really have "been there, done that".
  • Your women friends will tell you everything you want to know about their boyfriends. And that means everything.
  • You're the only type of male who gets to say "fabulous".
  • You can have naked pictures of men you don't know in your home.
  • You can have naked men you don't know in your home.
  • You know how to handle the telephone like a Stradivarius.
  • You understand why the good Lord invented spandex.
  • You understand why the good Lord didn't intend everyone to wear it.
  • You know how to get back at just about everyone.
  • You only wear polyester when you mean to.
  • You can smile to let someone know you can't stand them.
  • You can freeze a troll from 20 feet away.
  • You're good pals with women other people can't stand.
  • You've always got an opinion.
  • You've read the book, seen the movie, done the musical.
  • You know how to dress strategically.
  • Your car has an amusing female name.
  • You're the only one at your high school reunion who looks a lot better than you did in high school.
  • If your mattress could talk, it would be Joan Rivers.
  • You know that sex complicates things. So?
  • You know that being called a "cheap slut" isn't actually an insult.
  • There's a married guy somewhere who is terrified of you.
  • Nobody tells you what to do in bed...unless you tell them what to tell you.
  • You have a medicine chest stocked for any occasion.
  • You have at least one movie musical on video.
  • You're not embarrassed to sing in a piano bar.
  • You're embarrassed by people who sing in piano bars.
  • You never hold a grudge for longer than a decade or two.
  • You know how to make an entrance.
  • You know when to make an exit.
  • You worry about people you don't even know – like Liza Minnelli.
  • You choose the most fabulous greeting cards.
  • You've got sunscreen at every conceivable SPF level.
  • You have a cologne display worthy of Selfridges.
  • You understand, viscerally, Joan Crawford.
  • Some of your best friends are your ex-lovers.
  • You know when to play dumb.
  • You know what to do for a hangover.
  • Yes, you do have a condom.
  • You've called someone "girlfriend" who is neither a girl nor a friend.
  • One or more of the following apply to you:
  • You adore Judy Garland
  • You hate Judy Garland
  • You hate people who adore Judy Garland.
  • You hate people who hate Judy Garland.
  • You don't give a damn about Judy Garland.
  • Who is Judy Garland?
  • You can supply the last names to the following list:
  • Bernadette ___________
  • Chita ___________
  • Barbra ___________
  • You made Donna Summer a star.
  • You made Donna Summer a has-been.
  • Tanning salons were invented for you.
  • You've made sunbathing a performance art.
  • You know when the party's over.
  • You know where to go after the party's over.
  • You're fearless about fighting the elements, especially gravity.
  • When you hear "a stitch in time saves nine" you think of:
  • Your grandma
  • Your face lift
  • John Wayne Bobbit
  • You know that pigs and bears are not necessarily rural wildlife.
  • Your room-mate can be your room-mate and not your "room-mate".
  • You know that referring to someone as "a real lady" isn't necessarily a compliment.
  • Your favourite dinner accessory may also be your dinner companion.
  • You know that the most important part of a party's decor is the catering staff.
  • If your cat is a female, you swear it's a lesbian.
  • If your cat is a male, you swear it's a lesbian.
  • You sing along heartily with songs that make most females cringe, like "Stand By Your Man".
  • You'll never have to hear your mother complain about your wife.
  • A two-seater convertible seems perfectly practical to you.
  • You have a favourite Disney character and it's usually a nasty one.
  • You've left someone totally speechless.
  • You've shaved something other than your face.
  • All your friends do not have to "get along".
  • Your love handles are actually used as such.
  • When someone turns his back on you, you actually consider it an opportunity.
  • You've got a large assortment of movie-star biographies.
  • You've got the most interesting coffee table books.
  • You know where to find a meat rack and it ain't in your kitchen drawer.
  • You have a sexual persuasion with its own flag.
  • At some moment in your life you've envisioned having back-up girls.
  • You know your enemies.
  • After a workout at the gym, you feel like a new man. And he's right there in the shower.
  • You're Barbra Streisand's biggest fan.
  • You know that Barbra Streisand's biggest fan is Barbra Streisand.
  • Not only have you added spice to your life - sometimes you've added side dishes.
  • You know that "small talk" can be about spirituality or politics, and "important issues" can be about hair.
  • You've actually lived out some of your fantasies.
  • Unless most straight women, you have no problem being treated solely as a sex object.
  • You have no doubts about the accuracy of the Kinsey Report.
  • You have 412 ways to tell someone to get lost. 136 are non-verbal.
  • You can lip-sync to at least one Supremes song.
  • You know exactly how many Martinis it takes.
  • When throwing a party, you know how to put out quite a spread. Sometimes after the party too.
  • Pride in London is looming! I may need to put some of these "pledges" into action...