A Manifesto

Great Things About Being A Gay Man

You are ALWAYS ready for your close-up.

You know, by heart, every line in:

All about Eve

The Rocky Horror Picture Show

Your face

You understand the difference between 43 brands of imported vodka.

You can call anyone "Honey", including pets.

You understand the immense importance of good lighting.

You can be at a crowded disco the size of two football fields and still spot a toupee.

You can tell a woman you love her bathing suit, and mean her bathing suit.

You can explain the nuances between steady date, boyfriend and lover.

You really have "been there, done that".

Your women friends will tell you everything you want to know about their boyfriends. And that means everything.

You're the only type of male who gets to say "fabulous".

You can have naked pictures of men you don't know in your home.

You can have naked men you don't know in your home.

You know how to handle the telephone like a Stradivarius.

You understand why the good Lord invented spandex.

You understand why the good Lord didn't intend everyone to wear it.

You know how to get back at just about everyone.

You only wear polyester when you mean to.

You can smile to let someone know you can't stand them.

You can freeze a troll from 20 feet away.

You're good pals with women other people can't stand.

You've always got an opinion.

You've read the book, seen the movie, done the musical.

You know how to dress strategically.

Your car has an amusing female name.

You're the only one at your high school reunion who looks a lot better than you did in high school.

If your mattress could talk, it would be Joan Rivers.

You know that sex complicates things. So?

You know that being called a "cheap slut" isn't actually an insult.

There's a married guy somewhere who is terrified of you.

Nobody tells you what to do in bed...unless you tell them what to tell you.

You have a medicine chest stocked for any occasion.

You have at least one movie musical on video.

You're not embarrassed to sing in a piano bar.

You're embarrassed by people who sing in piano bars.

You never hold a grudge for longer than a decade or two.

You know how to make an entrance.

You know when to make an exit.

You worry about people you don't even know – like Liza Minnelli.

You choose the most fabulous greeting cards.

You've got sunscreen at every conceivable SPF level.

You have a cologne display worthy of Selfridges.

You understand, viscerally, Joan Crawford.

Some of your best friends are your ex-lovers.

You know when to play dumb.

You know what to do for a hangover.

Yes, you do have a condom.

You've called someone "girlfriend" who is neither a girl nor a friend.

One or more of the following apply to you:

You adore Judy Garland

You hate Judy Garland

You hate people who adore Judy Garland.

You hate people who hate Judy Garland.

You don't give a damn about Judy Garland.

Who is Judy Garland?

You can supply the last names to the following list:

Bernadette ___________

Chita ___________

Barbra ___________

You made Donna Summer a star.

You made Donna Summer a has-been.

Tanning salons were invented for you.

You've made sunbathing a performance art.

You know when the party's over.

You know where to go after the party's over.

You're fearless about fighting the elements, especially gravity.

When you hear "a stitch in time saves nine" you think of:

Your grandma

Your face lift

John Wayne Bobbit

You know that pigs and bears are not necessarily rural wildlife.

Your room-mate can be your room-mate and not your "room-mate".

You know that referring to someone as "a real lady" isn't necessarily a compliment.

Your favourite dinner accessory may also be your dinner companion.

You know that the most important part of a party's decor is the catering staff.

If your cat is a female, you swear it's a lesbian.

If your cat is a male, you swear it's a lesbian.

You sing along heartily with songs that make most females cringe, like "Stand By Your Man".

You'll never have to hear your mother complain about your wife.

A two-seater convertible seems perfectly practical to you.

You have a favourite Disney character and it's usually a nasty one.

You've left someone totally speechless.

You've shaved something other than your face.

All your friends do not have to "get along".

Your love handles are actually used as such.

When someone turns his back on you, you actually consider it an opportunity.

You've got a large assortment of movie-star biographies.

You've got the most interesting coffee table books.

You know where to find a meat rack and it ain't in your kitchen drawer.

You have a sexual persuasion with its own flag.

At some moment in your life you've envisioned having back-up girls.

You know your enemies.

After a workout at the gym, you feel like a new man. And he's right there in the shower.

You're Barbra Streisand's biggest fan.

You know that Barbra Streisand's biggest fan is Barbra Streisand.

Not only have you added spice to your life - sometimes you've added side dishes.

You know that "small talk" can be about spirituality or politics, and "important issues" can be about hair.

You've actually lived out some of your fantasies.

Unless most straight women, you have no problem being treated solely as a sex object.

You have no doubts about the accuracy of the Kinsey Report.

You have 412 ways to tell someone to get lost. 136 are non-verbal.

You can lip-sync to at least one Supremes song.

You know exactly how many Martinis it takes.

When throwing a party, you know how to put out quite a spread. Sometimes after the party too.

Pride in London is looming! I may need to put some of these "pledges" into action...

I think today should be...

...a "Say Something Hat Day", don't you?

The attendees at today's Royal Ascot Ladies Day agree!

Arise...

...at last - Dame Elaine Paige!

Also honoured:

Dame Penny Mordaunt [top left], Sir David Beckham, Sir Roger Daltrey [bottom left], Sir Rufus Norris, Sir Gary Oldman; Companion of Honour (CM): Sir Anthony Gormley; Commanders of the Order of the British Empire (CBE): Martha Kearney, Jane Lapotaire, Virginia Wade [bottom right]; Officers of the Order of the British Empire (OBE): Anita Dobson [top right], Samantha Morton, Tess Daly, Tracy-Ann Oberman, Claudia Winkelman, Steve Winwood.

Congratulations, one and all!

The King's Birthday Honours List 2025.

Just a few friends... and a kiss!

Joan Rivers, Sonny Bono, James Darren, Dionne Warwick, Debbie Reynolds and Liberace help Tom Jones celebrate his 34th birthday. Time flies...

It's the legendary Welsh belter Sir Tom Jones' 85th birthday!

I did a major tribute to the great man for his 80th - over at my Give 'em the old Razzle Dazzle blog - but here's just one classic from his long repertoire, by way of a celebration [pertinent, as it would also have been The Purple One Prince's birthday]:

Tom Jones - Kiss

Many happy returns, Sir Tom Jones OBE (born Thomas John Woodward, 7th June 1940)

Flicka

The very lovely mezzo-soprano Frederica "Flicka" von Stade is 80 years old today!

As is the wont with mezzo-sopranos, she was never destined to be as great a household name as her soprano contemporaries such as Kiri Te Kanawa, Renee Fleming or Mirella Freni, but she has remained one of the greatest "opera-lovers' favourite opera singers" for decades, nonetheless.

Indeed, the Madam and I both adore her [both for her operatic splendour and her "crossover" stuff] - and here are just a few reasons why:

Frederica Von Stade - Song to the Moon [Rusalka, Dvorak]

[Yes - I have featured this song, and Miss Von Stade, before over at Give 'em the old Razzle Dazzle]

Frederica Von Stade - Baïlèro [Chants d'Auvergne, Canteloube]

Frederica von Stade, Sylvia McNair and Tyne Daly sing Rodgers & Hart

Many happy returns, Frederica von Stade (born 1st June 1945)

Weekend Reading

Ever felt trapped?

"You can never accuse Stephen Sondheim of being boring in his lifetime, and Here We Are is a fitting addition to his legacy. Innovatively realised and refreshing in its nature, I’m not sure this is one room I’d want to be stuck in for days at a time but it is certainly a room I'd gladly visit multiple times." - Daz Gale, All That Dazzles

We are inclined to agree.

The night before our jaunt to Spain last week, Madam Arcati, Hils, History Boy and I ventured off to see the wildly-anticipated UK premiere of the posthumously-completed final musical work by the much-missed Stephen Sondheim Here We Are in the imposing surroundings of the National Theatre.

When talking about the genius who thought nothing of making musicals from such oddly-disparate stories as Ingmar Bergman's Smiles of a Summer Night [A Little Night Music], the Victorian "Penny Dreadful" anti-hero Sweeney Todd, Grimm's fairy tales [Into The Woods] or a work by Aristophanes [The Frogs], it was no great surprise that this work was largely adapted (by playwright David Ives) from not one, but two surrealist films by avant-garde producer Luis Buñuel [The Discreet Charm of the Bourgeoisie and The Exterminating Angel]. And why not, indeed?

As one might expect, given its source material, this is not a "conventional" musical by any stretch of the imagination - but then again, Sondheim didn't do many of those anyway. The first act introduces us to the main cast of characters, all of them spoilt nouveau riche types - self-obsessed hedge-fund billionaire Leo (Rory Kinnear), his not-quite-with-it wife Marianne (the brilliant Jane Krakowski), her sister and pseudo-anarchist Fritz (Chumisa Dornford-May), and their friends, shouty interior designer Claudia (Martha Plimpton), her plastic surgeon husband Paul (Jesse Tyler Ferguson) and the ambassador of "Moranda", Raffael (Paulo Szot) - who venture out to seek a restaurant to have brunch. That venture is repeatedly (and farcically) doomed to failure. The inaccurately-named "Café Everything" has absolutely no food or drink on offer - which leads to a profuse (and hilarious) musical apology from its waiter (the mesmerising Denis O'Hare):

Denis O'Hare - Waiter's Song [Here We Are (Original Cast Recording)]

The torture doesn't end there, of course. At the "French deconstructivist" restaurant Bistro à la Mode, the funeral of the chef is taking place - cue the wonderful Tracie Bennett as that emporium's maître d', singing, à la Piaf, possibly the show's best number:

Tracie Bennett - It Is What It Is [Here We Are (Original Cast Recording)]

In their final attempt to get that elusive brunch (by now it's heading for dinner time), at Italian brasserie Osteria Zeno, their longed-for "meal" is interrupted by an army colonel (Cameron Johnson) and soldier (the gorgeous Richard Fleeshman)...

Mr Fleeshman in the flesh

...who are concerned that an anarchist overthrow of society is imminent (in which, behind the scenes, Fitz has been naively involved, by funding an organisation with the not-so-subtle acronym of PRADA), and all the sumptuous dishes served turn out to be plastic. At this point the show "breaks the third wall" - and as the spotlight turns on the audience, the cast appear mesmerised (especially Marianne) and flustered. This is when the conceit of the plot dawned on us (if not on the characters on stage): these people are trapped inside their own play! That surreal moment is over almost as soon as it began, when the ambassador makes one final suggestion - they should all go and eat at his embassy instead...

All this takes place on a stark white stage, lined by mirrors (appropriate for the vanity of the characters) and occasionally punctuated by the neon marquees of the various purported eateries, which is a superlative design idea by set designer David Zinn. As is the choreography (by Sam Pinkleton) - especially the way that in the gaps between attempts to eat, the whole cast repeatedly lines up (a bit like an earlier Sondheim show Assassins), ostensibly to show that they are travelling by car, but in effect it's rather wonderful - especially when any one of them tries to "break ranks", and is unable to cross an invisible barrier...

If you think all that's surreal enough, part one concludes with the arrival of a bishop (Harry Hadden-Paton) at the door, in full regalia, seeking alternative employment!

Part 2 opens within the grand setting of the embassy's salon, our protagonists suitably sated and relaxing in armchairs or chaises. Happy at last? I wouldn't bet on it. The manservant (Denis O'Hare again - he and Tracie Bennett play every waiter/servant role in the whole thing, and masterfully hold it all together as a result) turns out to be the enigmatic "Inferno", head of PRADA - and the feared incursion seems to be taking place outside, as explosions are heard. The gang, on trying to leave, find they are perpetually making excuses not to do so and decide to bed down in situ. The bishop turns out to be a foot-fetishist. Fitz - who had previously told everyone she was gay (probably for attention) - has a romantic relationship with the soldier (even disappearing for a shag in a cupboard). The piano the bishop is playing stops working. There is no water until Ms Bennett's mute, hunched maid bursts a (magical?) pipe. They resort to eating the books for sustenance. In the middle of the room (on day four or five; nobody's quite sure) it starts to snow - oh yes, and Marianne dances for some incomprehensible reason with a bear!

And the dénouement of all this? Marianne suddenly realises that they had somehow, somewhere, missed a line of this nightmarish play. When they go backwards, and recite all their recent lines in the correct order, strangely they find themselves free - and once again on their travels, seeking food.

This mind-boggling musical-cum-play (as is fitting since Sondheim never finished it, the songs peter out early in the second half), directed by Tony-award winner Joe Mantello, is not for the faint-hearted, admittedly - you're not going to find yourself tapping your toes or humming the tunes when you leave - but as a lasting final legacy to Sondheim it works brilliantly. We absolutely loved every crazy moment of it!

Here We Are is playing at the Lyttelton Theatre at the National Theatre complex until 28th June 2025.